Chips N Dip

And you thought you were a clever little sh!t in school…

For more school exam shenanigans, check out FunnyExamAnswers.com

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.

2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.

3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.

4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.

5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.

6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.

7. A BEER DOESN’T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.

8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.

9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.

11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.

12. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.

13. A BEER WON’T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.

14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.

15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.

16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.

17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.

19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.

20. BEER DOESN’T DEMAND EQUALITY.

21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.

22. A BEER DOESN’T CARE WHEN YOU COME.

23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.

24. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.

25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

Desktop Tower Defense may look easy, but it gets incredibly hard and forces you to develop a strategy when defending your desktop against foes.

With different types of towers to build and baddies to beat, you are sure to be challenged in this addictive game.

Give it a try and see how far you can get…

The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have abandoned the struggle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense and meaning.

On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurant appeared this advertising atrocity:

NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
AFFORDABLE
An Alternative to Looking Good.

After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct what happened in the framing of this cacphonous come-on.

Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable prices afforded an alternative for looking good.
But what came out was the message, “Come to us and we’ll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it out. And we’ll charge you very little to do it!”

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoon and comic strips:

* Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man’s hand will be admitted free. [Parsons PA paper]

* We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young [Display ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent.

* LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in
the Shreveport LA Journal]

* Widows made to order. Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]

* The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the service we render. PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]

*TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil’s Curiosity Shop [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use. Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA Enterprise]

* For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand. [Calcutta India]

* WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German. [Parade of Youth]

* Swap – Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage. [Ossining paper]

* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.

* Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent

* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.

* For Sale – Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.

* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.

* If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else.

* Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes & Gardens.

* For Sale – Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.

* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required.

* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and snacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

* See ladies blouses. 50% off!

* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204

* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

* Mother’s helper – peasant working conditions.

* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

And these beauties from the radio:

* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for “High Fidelity,” designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Some memorable headlines

JURY GETS DRUNK DRIVING CASE HERE

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK

PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION

SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS

HOTEL BURNS: TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD

INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE

SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

SENAT PASSES DEATH PENALTY
Measure provides for Electrocution for all persons over 17.

Thugs eat then rob proprietor

Scent foul play in death of man found bound and hanged

Dog in bed, asks divorce

WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT

BOY COOKS MUST EAT OWN VITALS

BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES

LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS

OFFICER CONVICTED OF ACCEPTING BRIDE

40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE

I’d love to, but…

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
9 it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I’m building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
12 I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there’s a disturbance in the Force.
14 I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
16 I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I’m in training to be a household pest.
23 I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I’m sandblasting my oven.
27 I’m worried about my vertical hold.
28 I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I’m being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I’ll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it’s too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I’m having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
55 I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
56 I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I’m touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.
64 I’m too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
69 I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I’m trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
76 I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I’m going to be old someday.
81 I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I’m observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I’m trying to cut down.
101 … well, maybe.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth ; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline ; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going..
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

Not even close to politically correct… He makes fun of everyone, so don’t watch if you don’t like racial jokes.

Let other people’s experience give you a giggle and some very good advice at Learn From My Fail.

While in a public bathroom, do not giggle at the lady in the stall next to you because she is having an explosive movement, you might find that you are out of toilet paper and now need to ask her for some. #LFMF